Infidelity the ten year after-burn

I must first stress; I have a wonderful fiancé who has never, nor would-ever hurt me. However, he has suffered the hands of the affair I lived through; through no fault of his own. I am not carrying this into 2020 for sure, I am not carrying this as of today.

The thing about affairs is that rarely, the victim of the betrayal hardly gets asked how it made them feel long after the initial anger and upset has subsided. Initially, the perpetrator wants to minimise all conversation regarding what they have done. They are in denial, ashamed and embarrassed – rightly so. Wishing to quash all dialogue and bury their head in the sand and batting off questions by projecting their anger of what they’ve done onto their betrayed spouse. Whilst at the same time, the victim of the disloyalty has an urgent hunger to discuss in great detail the timeline of deceit; when, where, how often – merely, wanting answers!

I found myself recalling to my instincts. I knew something was wrong a year perhaps before it came to light. So many times; I questioned missed calls, Facebook messages and someone who would be in the laundry room on holiday for hours with their phone.  I was fobbed off, of course, and in my blinded-by-love rose tinted glasses I took the fobbing and stuffed in right into my ignore-drawer. But it never went away. Do NOT ignore your natural instincts first off, we have them for a reason. Our instincts are designed to protect us, so when they kick in and you’re noticing something is a little off – address it. But into my ignore-drawer of denial ‘this isn’t really happening’ they were shoved -with a helpful glass of vodka.

Denial that your partner is cheating, is like pretending someone isn’t kicking you in the stomach, while you’re on the ground getting kicked in the stomach! You can’t nor want to rationalise it that way.

 

 

 

 

So, my betrayal was in 2010 – almost ten years ago. So why when I found my old Tumblr post a few days ago about the matter, did it come such a shock that I am still carrying the hurt and upset? It’s more than just our feelings.  It has nothing to do with the way I look at that person now, but the hurt and upset on which I look at myself. I have learned it has both short and long-term consequences to the way we think about ourselves and the way in which we enter other relationships– which actually, really sucks. When a cheater is questioned there’s usually some false retort, “he / she is nothing, he / she is just a friend, its all in your head…”

As it turns out, that’s precisely where the action is. Long after the eye-opener, long after the pleading, “I’m sorrys & can we try agains & only if you had acted this way then I wouldn’t haves” are done, it stays with you in your head. Well, if YOU hadn’t acted that way, Pal! While I stayed and looked after things, my ex went out carving their way in another location, falling into the arms of someone else; while I felt like a doormat at home, pining (doesn’t mean to say I WAS a doormat).

Don’t give me “I have needs, I was away too long”

Well I HAD needs, I had needs that my partner would remain loyal and true, I needed you to be faithful.

I felt humiliated beyond all comprehension. I felt physical pain and I don’t think it can ever be described. I read another post on the matter, which described it as: emotional murder. It sounds a little brutal I know. But the whole sick, sinking feeling was brutal.

While I had my suspicions, the person in question who was having an affair with my partner knew about me and sent me photographs of them together. She believing I was a meek sycophantic child, a showgirl idolising a fantasy relationship – was how I was described – allegedly. So I saw it in full colour photos directly from the source; still it was hard to believe.

Through the animal, guttural sobs in your best friends’ arms when she comes to get you, you simply don’t know where to go from here.

Here is how I saw it, getting dumped isn’t the problem. Sometimes things don’t work out. But getting cheated on is a shining beacon saying ‘you are the problem, you weren’t good enough, you were not worth my loyalty’ And I believed it.

Years later long after the upset of the separation, the friendship we salvaged. I still hurt from the hurt. I tortured myself. Jumping from one awful situation to another, a bad relationship after another because I felt it’s what I deserved. I questioned myself, the person I was and the choices I’d made for nearly a decade. Do you know how draining that is?

Before the betrayal I liked to think I had ok looks, I had a good heart and a really innocent personality. I remember brushing my teeth in the bathroom, my eyes filling with tears realising how ugly I looked. Of course, how ugly am I, I am too fat, my nose is too big, maybe it’s the way I laugh or sip my coffee, is it ugly and annoying? How can you be proud of yourself and the character you’ve become after someone chooses to do this to you?

Comparing myself to a mistress I’d only seen photos of. Didn’t matter to me at the time that she might have been fed the same lines as me, that she could have been a nice or nasty person. Just comparisons.

I didn’t tell friends the reason for our separation, maybe another factor I kept the hurt for so long. I didn’t want to hurt my ex.

One thing that hurt the most was a comment received “you didn’t fight harder for your relationship”

So what do you feel 10 years down the line:

·         Self-doubt

·         Anxiety

·         Ashamed

·         Resentful

·         Ugly

·         Loneliness

·         Fear

·         Critical of myself

·         Irritated and cold

·         Negative

I leave this here today. I had to write today and get it all out, leave it behind in this decade.

I am marrying the man of my dreams, who loves me in a little black dresses and three-day-old pyjamas. He has had to put up with the damage caused. My need to always look nice, to cry over my body that he adores. To not want to look at his ‘open book’ phone when he wants to show me something. My anxiety and insecurities. This man used to have to drop me home sometimes at 2am for the first 9 months because I was anxiety ridden, that I wasn’t good enough for him and he’ll see.

He showed me though, by getting down on one knee on a beach in Cancun, with the most wonderful speech. Thank you fiancé for showing me how to trust fully and love openly again.

If you are suffering, hang in there. It gets better.